| scattered thoughts seem to spill onto the keyboard |
[14 Jun 2007|02:44am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 jubilant |
] |
It takes just one. Just one thought to open the flood gates in eternal internal mind combustion taking me back to the beginning where I first left off in this race. Lept off the face of the earth—the beginning, my birth, my death, the end?? Nope. Just a transition. Just a waiting room to move on to the next level. Death is just coming full circle back to where you were before… remember? Its all right there in front of you. Your hand? No… its only a body… look closer. your sense of touch??? Nooooo! That’s just an illusion… look deeper. Cells??? Merely an expression of the formula that has been set in your DNA to repeat itself until infinity--- that moment when all is one---death---infinity---is one… come back--- not cells--- the atoms??? The atoms in the tip of my finger which are the same atoms in the tip of a sewing needle which are the same atoms on the tip of an iceberg---but what’s under the surface?? Total microscoping of space and time. How small are atoms??? Yet they have the same structure as our universe. Are we not simply electrons traveling along the face of this planet— some of us are static, some of us dynamic, none the less we are all part of the same building blocks. Things get bigger and bigger and giganticker and humungouser--- things get smaller and tinier and teenier and weinier—from an atom to a molecule, from a molecule to a cell, from a cell to a body, from a body to a planet from a planet to a galaxy from a galaxy to a universe from a universe to an ocean of membranic unstable uniformaly simultaneous spontinaeity living in every direction but forward, every inspection but inward, every dissection but life continues like a wheel, yin yang, balance---center-focus-point-laugh-cry-kiss-weep-love-stammer-glamour-fame?-lame.-drop your suitcase here and move onto the very near future where everything is now again, but in a couple seconds it might be…nope… no different… just now again… but maybe in 10 years it could be-----now again---wait a minute in the past it was… being created now… shit man-cant get away-its all right her-right now-you’re creating your past now- the future only happens in the now, it will eventually come before you know it—orgasm without you-peak in its own loveliness and prosperity—proterity-- living like the reason we gave tomorrow for being here today---like live like a madman—not mad angry but mad MAD like the hatter on Saturday-its lovely but everyday is Saturday-what day is today??? Yesterday has gone too quickly and tomorrow is not coming fast enough. Drop it---it’s done. All gone. Bye bye—dang it was beautiful to think for a second that life can be anything youu want it to be-damn it was beautiful to feel for a second. Damn…… its beautiful to remember that I can bring this back anytime I want. Nothing in life Is for certain, love it, then let it pass, love it because it will soon end-clarity in loving the moment as it is occurring---this is god---right now----god is right in front of you, handing you the universe on a platter---just accept it. Say yes… say yes. Say yes right now—breathe deep down inside of my body my body---only a physical representation of this mind and soul spirit that lies inside where no one can reach---eyes are just a small portal inside-but I cant let you all in I cant let you all the way in, maybe----just for a second---no---it hurts sorry--- stop it your joggin on my heart take it easy---I love you-----do you love me??? ME??? My hair-knees-nose-sneeze-clothes-keys-cash money, what makes me??? You make me?? Perhaps---I made some lemonade today- it was yellow, then grey when light was dimmed--- not yellow anymore but grey---my lemonade is grey. My shirt is black in the dark--- but green when there is light to reflect off the avocado-green light reflections of perceptions---all reflections---nothing more---what’s life; never a bore—sights are only there to test your true ability to reason and love for no reason at all take it here---its right here… there you go. Take it, and love it and use it and abuse it and throw it away and dust it off and reuse it and fix it and change it and rearrange it and derange pas tendresse—tenderness inside of me takes me down to paradise city lights become my stars because they drown out planets of truth in the skies off my roof I fall into the proof of unearthly untimely unsatissfyingly dire needs dire straights and not so-straights are lovely diving in and out and everywhere inbetween up and down and all around like dolphins through water taking up the fact of slaughterhouse rules take me back—wow this place is really familiar—it seems like heaven—only closer and wow—its so easy to create—just think---and do---manifest and elevate into the next presence of psychological dimensional philosophical non-cents-dollars are collars take it from you lively passions in the theatre are yours already----don’t wish--- just manifest----- imagination is not just a figment---imagination is the ability to create and believe and live magically love magically--- wow… magic… wow…. Like the stars surrounding us in five million billion galaxies taking one century to tell me where to go and what to do with my life-now I know now I remember---its here to open—its here to open yourself to others to love to life to you to me to us---there is no them, only us…. Only you and all your ME’s within you… wow…. Take a second, back in this body…. Shit---leave body one more time… here we gooooooo----down the ages of time space continuity like sands on the roads of hourglass time of the widow weeping willow taken down for another pound of spoonfilled tons laughing like honey bees in the meadow suckling at the flowers teet…mmmmm I want some---chocolate milk..soy… so i….. so I lie… so I lay hear…. So I lay here inn, so I lay here in bed and stare up at the ceiling and wonder whats on the other side of the glass taken down a notch off the ladder only for second do I realize you’re not really here, you’re there away away okay, okay I love you.
--Anthony.Ray.AppleSauce
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| reflections |
[01 Jul 2006|02:35pm] |
one day after the battle with the magical mushrooms, i needed some time to reflect on the ideas that came to mind. So, i started playing some DJ Shadow and Shiva Chandra and dancing like a mad man until i couldnt lift another muscle, then layed on my back and let my mind drift away into nothingness. completely empty yet soooo full of EVERYTHING.
then i jumped on the computer and let these words pour out of my fingertips.
Humans are here on this earth for a purpose. Whatever that may be we must search within ourselves and each other to find our own reason for being. We have been given this awesome gift of intelligence, and have the ability to recognize the rights and wrongs which are occurring in this world... we have compassion. Some of us are blessed to be living the awesome lives we are living, but we must not forget about those who are suffering! The less fortunate who, even if they wanted to, do not even have the means to keep themselves and their loved ones healthy. I often ask myself, what the hell can I do?!? Im just one person! This is true, we are each of us one person, but if we all can come together and recognize that this life can be changed for the better, good things will happen. Take control of the moment you have in front of you, because that’s ALL one has for sure. If you have nothing else, at least you have that moment right there in front of you, the ground under your feet, a place to sleep, people who care, the air in your lungs.
Don’t ever forget that you have a voice. Your voice CAN be heard YOU can make a difference in your everyday life. There are still struggles happening in this world, there ARE things worth fighting for. One drop of water will do very little, but when those drops of water come together, they can carve canyons! What we as humans must do with the gifts that we have… the gift of intelligence, the gift of compassion… we must remember that we are not the only people in this world who matter. We should realize that the person next to you has their own thoughts, ideas, opinions, experiences, struggles, memories, tragedies and philosophies. Life can be so tragic at times, and that’s why there are other people here, to comfort eachother, to help eachother, to make life a little easier for the people around them. Why not take the time to flash a smile every now and then to any random person who may be passing by. The trouble comes with those who take a simple friendly smile, and turn it into something ugly. One may ask “why is this person smiling at me? Are they trying to get in my pants??? Are they trying to gain my trust for their own benefit?” but still we cannot blame these people for thinking this way since every now and then these thoughts are justified.
Time is always passing and leaving us behind, we are constantly getting older and each and every moment seems to fly by. Dont let it happen! if we would always keep these thoughts in the back of our mind then it would be possible to make heaven here on earth. Just remember that you will never be able to come back to this one single moment in time. So might as well smile, and feel good that you are alive, and breathing and your heart is beating. If we do this, there would be no need to be constantly working towards making it to heaven in the afterlife. We are given a limited amount of time here on earth to create heaven here for ourselves and each other. We start dying from the time we are born. And lets not forget the many other forces in this world which can cut our lives short, whether they be natural or man-made. Life is hard enough as it is with all the challenges mother nature gives us, and yet we still must worry about eachother. We cannot better our own lives unless we strive to make the quality of life for others better as well. When we become selfish, this is when things go wrong.
when you experience tragedy, you must keep in mind all the awesome things you still have in life. and if you cant think of any... just think of those people in third world countries, people just like you and me who would be more than GLAD to trade places with any person living on SKid Row in L.A.!
baby baby you have it sooo goood. and it feels fuckin great to know how blessed we are!
so be happy because you have a reason and its a new season so please try to keep your eyes to the sky, and dont cry because life is constantly just beginning, from your birth, until its ending!!!
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| Henry Van Dyke |
[24 Dec 2005|12:55am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 hopeful |
] |
I am standing upon the seashore. A ship, at my side,
spreads her white sails to the moving breeze and starts
for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength.
I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck
of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.
Then, someone at my side says, "There, she is gone"
Gone where?
Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast,
hull and spar as she was when she let my side.
And, she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.
Her diminished size is in me -- not in her.
And, just at the moment when someone says, "There, she is gone,"
there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices
ready to take up the glad shout, "Here she comes!"
And that is dying...
Rest In Peace Uncle Tony.. cant wait to see you again!
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| some people say |
[02 Oct 2005|10:49pm] |
i kinda like where i am now... and i really don't mind where i'm going to end up. any direction my life goes in right now, i'd accept it. i mean, of course if something terrible happened, it wont be so easy as to just say "okay.. thats cool." but if thats where i am, and thats where im supposed to be, then all i can do is accept it and try to make it better right? i dont know. i really dont know anything anymore. i dont know who i am, or what im supposed to be. i know what everybody expects, but i dont let that get to me, because i know ill never reach those expectations.
i seem to have some kind of need to cause a ruckus in my life. its like... things are going goood... going good... and then i do something really stupid with intentions of blowing it.... but then nothing happens. everything just stays swell. i keep playing with fire, but so far i havent been burned.
i cant help but wonder what this means. either, bad stuff is happening around me, but i just dont recognize it anymore and brush it off as just another unecessary thing to get choked up about... orrrr im just on some sort of winning streak. if thats the case... then damn... i better be prepared when things finally do fall apart.
so the real question arises.... should i continue with this "self-destructive behavior" and enjoy every moment to its fullest, until everything finally does catch up to me, and worry about it then? ooorrrr should i settle down and live a life of worrying about whats GOING to happen to me in the next couple of decades/years/months/weeks/days/hours/minutes/seconds?
i think the answer to that is pretty damn simple....
party on.
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| summer day |
[08 Jun 2005|06:10pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 hungry |
] |
| [ |
music |
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birds chirping |
] |
ding dong ding dong ding dong ding dong ding dong ding dong ding dong ding dong
Oh MY God... Here's MIDNIGHT!!
So i think i've been taking things pretty well... Captain Morgan is my new best freind, helping me get through those tough times. He's so damn smooth, it just makes things so much easier. He's been showing up earlier and earlier these past couple of days, bringing that warm comforting feeling of not caring.
Today i had a dentist appointment. While i was getting my teeth drilled i closed my eyes and thought about being outside walking with the wind... then water sprayed on my face i remembered last week, when all the kids were outside playing in a wading pool i brought home for them... I think it was a good idea. My dad made carne asada, and barbeque chicken, and everyone sat outside and watched kids being kids. Then the doctor hit a nerve and my eyes came ripping open to see 4 hands with 4 different instruments, picking and sucking and spraying and drilling inside my mouth. It took me a second to realize where i was... i recognized the faces. The doctor with her dark sunken in eyes, reassured me that it was almost over, thinking it bothered me to see two "strangers" sticking metal tools in my mouth... it didn't. Though in any other scenario it very well would have (no shit huh?). The doctor has an Indian accent, and has a certain high-pitched tone, which makes trusting her very easy. i could imagine that this would come in handy since she did this everyday. The assistant was on my left side, chatting away... like she always does. Everytime i run into this particular assistant, twice a year, she asks me so many questions. Typical questions a nurse would ask a patient... "how are you.. how's school... what are your plans for the summer" but for some reason when she asks them, i don't get that feeling of fake interest as i do with anybody else. It seems as though she's genuinely interested in what i have to say... this would probably come as a surprise to me if i hadn't noticed the googly eyes she was giving me earlier. This nurse is always flirting.. it's funny. It's flattering since shes in her early 30's, and not bad-looking at all. but i didn't have women on my mind... not today.
So now i'm home. I haven't eaten anything all day, and i'm starving, but the taste of tooth polish won't go away.
My mom bought a batman backpack for my godson, and i bought it off her, since i hardly ever get him anything. its funny because the only reason i want a job now is to buy my nieces and nephews nice things. And it would be nice to have some money laying around for when i wanna stir life up a bit.
so now, my time is for sale.
gotta go right now... time to eat, and forget about my troubles.
~ant
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| Lucky's rant |
[10 May 2005|01:33pm] |
Nobody's going to read this... if anything, you'll just scan over it lightly to see if your name is mentioned anywhere... But it isn't. =]
Given the existence as uttered forth in the public works of Puncher and Wattmann of a personal God quaquaquaqua with white beard quaquaquaqua outside time without extension who from the heights of divine aphasia loves us dearly with some exceptions for reasons unknown but time will tell and suffers like the divine Miranda with those who for reasons unknown but time will tell are plunged in torment plunged in fire whose fire flames if that continues and who can doubt it will fire the firmament that is to say blast hell to heaven so blue still and calm so calm with a calm which even though intermittent is better than nothing but not so fast and considering what is more that as a result of the labors left unfinished crowned by the Acacacacademy of Anthropopopometry of Essy-in-Possy of Testew and Cunard it is established beyond all other doubt than that which clings to the labors of men that as a result of the labors unfinished of Testew and Cunard it is established as hereinafter but not so fast for reasons unknown that as a result of the public works of Puncher and Wattmann it is established beyond all doubt that in view of the labors of Fartov and Belcher left unfinished for reasons unknown of Testew and Cunard left unfinished it is established what many deny that man in Possy of Testew and Cunard that man in Essy that man in short that man in brief in spite of the strides of alimentation and defecation wastes and pines wastes and pines and concurrently simultaneously what is more for reasons unknown in spite of the strides of physical culture the practice of sports such as tennis football running cycling swimming flying floating riding gliding conating camogie skating tennis of all kinds dying flying sports of all sorts autumn summer winter winter tennis of all kinds kockey of all sorts penicilline and succedanea in a word I resume flying gliding golf over nine and eighteen holes tennis of all sorts in a word for reasons unknown in Feckham Peckham Fulham Clapham namely concurrently simultaneously what is more for reasons unknown but time will tell fades away I resume Fulham Clapham in a word the dead loss per head since the death of Bishop Berkeley being to the tune of one inch four ounce per head approximately by and large more or less to the nearest decimal good measure round figures stark naked in the stockinged feet in Connemara in a word for reasons unknown no matter what matter the facts are there and considering what is more much more grave that in the light of the labors lost of Steinweg and Peterman it appears what is more much more grave that in the light the light the light of the labors lost of Steinweg and Peterman that in the plains in the mountains by the seas by the rivers running water running fire the air is the same and then the earth namely the air and then the earth in the great cold the great dark the air and the earth abode of stones in the great cold alas alas in the year of their Lord six hundred and something the air the earth the sea the earth abode of stones in the great deeps the great cold on sea on land and in the air I resume for reasons unknown in spite of the tennis the facts are there but time will tell I resume alas alas on on in short in fine on on abode of stones who can doubt it I resume but no to fast I resume the skull fading fading fading and concurrently simultaneously what is more for reasons unknown in spite of the tennis on on the beard the flames the tears the stones so blue so calm alas alas on on the skull the skull the skull the skull in Connemara in spite of the tennis the labors abandoned left unfinished graver still abode of stones in a word I resume alas alas abandoned unfinished the skull the skull in Connemara in spite of the tennis the skull alas the stones Cunard tennis . . . the stones . . . so calm . . . Cunard . . . unfinished . . .
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[14 Mar 2005|09:12pm] |
i hate having to wait at home and wonder what the fuck is going on.
... i feel like a blind guy running through a forest.
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| questioning my lj faith... |
[15 Feb 2005|10:17pm] |
"What's the point?"
Will pointed out these emo kiddies in our design book...
on the next page, the kid with the glasses stuck those pliers in his heart.
~apple
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[14 Feb 2005|11:57am] |
im deleting my journal, because i just realized how retarded it is... including all the people on it. so bye bye.
~Sauce
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[09 Jan 2005|05:22pm] |
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im getting tired of all you people...
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| and people elsewhere in the world are starving |
[24 Dec 2004|12:01pm] |
These pictures really dont do the mound of gifts justice. All of those gifts filled up one whole room.
Before you get your panties in a whirl, i have like 3, count em THREE presents somewhere in there so dont try and say im a spoiled ass little brat. Most of those are for other people in my family....
DON'T YOU WISH YOU WERE IN MY FAMILY????
YES I KNOW YOU DO. HAHAH
And be grateful for what you have. I've seen too many stories on the news "..they wont get to spend this Christmas with their child/mother/father/whatever" and im sure there are countless other stories that didn't make the news. Losing a loved one is a terrible thing, so don't hesitate to remind those closest to you, how grateful you are for them, because before you know it, you wont have that chance anymore.
Im not trying to be deep... its just a thought...
So Happy Night Before Christmas
~AppleSauce
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| WHAT the FUCK! |
[08 Dec 2004|05:35pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 pissed off |
] |
i was actually having a good day too...
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[05 Dec 2004|08:41pm] |
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i feel like shit.
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| crazy weird |
[05 Dec 2004|12:12pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 confused |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Zeppelin 1 |
] |
Here is a Rough List of My Plans for December
somewhat in order...
Puerto Nuevo
Surf at K-58
Trade in my two Snakes for FIVE iguanas =]
Party
San Fransisco
Cabin in the Snow with the Homies
RoadTrip to Phoenix with the Cousins
Find a way to bring my fuckin grades up
Vandalism
Spend the Night in Pasadena
Hmmm.... sounds good. I hope i actually DO everything on that list..
ooooh yeah, so hows about.... My mom knows about me and gummi bears.
Im in uptown, her and my sister pick me up.. they pull up in my sisters Civic... i get in, mom- "What have you been drinking..?" me- "I don't drink anymore, I told you, remember?" mom- "... Well then what have you been smoking" sister- "The pipe.." me- "The PEACE Pipe" (big smile) mom- "You're even talking like you're high..." me-"Im not denying it..."
Why did I tell her? Well, for some reason, herb increases my psychic abilities, and I knew that what the EXACT MOMENT I should tell her. So I did.... and she was okay with it.... I was cracking up at every little thing my niece did, since they knew I was high, they started cracking up at me. Weird huh? all she told me was, "Just as long as you don't get TOO into it, and you better not get caught." Hmmm... doesn't SOUND like my mom... maybe its because I quit Drinking... or maybe there was so much Second-Hand smoke clinging onto my clothes, that it hot-Boxed the car, and she got high too.
Whatever it is... Hell must be freezing over. Maybe thats why its been so cold lately...
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| bleh |
[28 Nov 2004|07:48pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bored |
] |
wanna know what my life feels like right now?
put your head down on your desk...... close your eyes... and take a DEEP breath and let it out sloooooowwly.
... thats how i feel....
Pretty boring huh?
FUCK!!! give me some fucking excitement!
For Serio... its killing me...
~Sauce
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| Everythings coo |
[16 Nov 2004|02:27pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 high |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Joker ~Steve Miller Band |
] |
Life is coo foo. Everythings chill... i like it...
Im perfectly fine with having my spine severed into nine pieces. Letting me loose, to feel the wave of dysfunction in my brain and the same with my body. Numbing up now, its telling me how i will be taken care of, with mind bending bugs tending to my pending proposal. Open your eyes, see the prize and realize what your doing. You'll understand, its outa my hands, what you see is not there where you thought it would be. Its you whos mistaken, im the one takin the one way trip to reality.
~Applesauce (con gummi bears)
fuck.. what the fuck is that ?\/\/\/\ im still not thinking straight, and i think once i am, im gonna look back on this entry and laugh my ass off.... but i dunno... hahahhahahaha Some people call me the Space Cowboy.. does that explain it?
im TIRED.. I hope this class doesnt bring me down.... i wont let it. NEVAH.
~Baked Apple Pie
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| all i need is love |
[08 Nov 2004|08:23pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
fuck you |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
fuck you |
] |
She's going to come back.
............ she needs me.... and I'm shit without her.
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| Living is easy with eyes closed. |
[08 Nov 2004|03:39pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blank |
] |
So I'm single now...
... I've got to say... I don't give a fuck anymore. Whatever happens, happens... And now certain things that I never thought I would do.. are starting to make a whole lot of sense.
Now I've got nobody. ... At least i dont have to look out for anyone but myself... so fuck YOU. it's all about ME.
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[06 Nov 2004|04:56pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Back in the Day ~Ahmad |
] |
Jerome! jerome! put on that bobby womack!
Nah girl I wanna go way back, ahh yeah check this out
Back in the days when I was young I’m not a kid anymore
But some days I sit and wish I was a kid again
Back in the days when I was young I’m not a kid anymore
But some days I sit and wish I was a kid again
Back in the days
When I just a little niggerole
I looked up to my bigger bro
Begged if I could kick it so
When he went out with girls I could go taggin along
Naggin if she had a sis maybe could mack a baby hoodrat
Y’all remember way back then, when it was 1985
All the way live, I think I was about ten
One of those happy little niggaz singin the blues
That be always tryin to bag with the shag, and karate shoes
Sayin "yo momma black, his momma this, his momma that"
Then he get mad and wanna scrap
We stay mad about, ten minutes then it’s like back on the bike
To play hide and go get it with the younger hoes by the bungaloes
Then switch to playin ding dong ditch, when that gets
Old and too cold to hack it, threw on a bomber jacket
You could tell the ballers cuz they bell wearin gazelles
If they really had money raised be sportin bk’s
And, all the girls had they turkish link
If it broke then they made earrings to it, like they meant to do it
But, sometimes, I still sit and reminesce
Then, think about the years I was raised, back in the days
Back in the days when I was young I’m not a kid anymore
But some days I sit and wish I was a kid again
Back in the days when I was young I’m not a kid anymore
But some days I sit and wish I was a kid again
And everybody say; "I remember way back when"
And everybody say; "I remember way back when"
And everybody say; "I remember way back when"
What? Back in the day. When? Back in the day
I’m still back in the days, but now the year is ’87
’88 that’s when my crew and I were in junior high
In 7th grade, I hated school, wish it’d blow up
No doubt I couldn’t wait to get out, and be a grownup.
But let me finish this reminescin and tellin
Bout when girls was bellin tight courderoys like for the boys
Basket weaves, nike court airs, and footsie socks
And eatin pickles, with tootsie pops
And it don’t stop, I’m glad cuz when j.j. fad hit
Supersonic it was kinda like a sport to wear biker shorts
Or, to wear jeans and it seemed like the masses
Of hoochies, had poison airbrushes on they asses
Dudes, had on nike suits, and the pumas with
The fat laces, cuz it was either that or k-swiss
I miss those days, and so I pout like a grown jerk
Wishin all I had to do now, was finish homework
It’s true, you don’t realize really what you got til it’s gone
And I’m not, gonna sing another sad song, but
Sometimes I do sit and reminesce then
Think about the years I was raised, back in the days
And everybody say; "I remember way back when"
And everybody say; "I remember way back when"
And everybody say; "I remember way back when"
What? Back in the day. When? Back in the day
Well, it’s the niggerole, I figure that now I’m all grown up
Because I’m eighteen years old, and guess you could say I’m holdin
Down a steady job and crew steady mobbin
You steady bobbin your head and I’m paid, so I got it made
But, didn’t always have clout, used to live in south central l.a.
That’s where I stayed and figured a way out
I gave it all I had so for what it’s worth
I went, from rags to riches which is a drag but now I’m first
So, Ahmad and the Jones’ is on our way up
Yup, we said that we was gonna make it since a kid
And we finally did, but
Sometimes I still sit and reminesce, then
Think about the years I was raised, back in the days
And everybody say; "I remember way back when"
And everybody say; "I remember way back when"
And everybody say; "I remember way back when"
What? Back in the day. When? Back in the day
And everybody say; "I remember way back when"
And everybody say; "I remember way back when"
And everybody say; "I remember way back when"
What? Back in the day. When? Back in the day
Story of my life....
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theapplesauce's journal